The Final Lesson Plan Read online

  As soon as she resurfaced, I slid down Briggs' back and swam over to Leo. "Race ya," I said, as I started off to swim toward the deeper part of the pool.

  Leo swam after me, staying close behind me. At the last few strokes, he swam next to me and touched the wall of the pool at the exact moment I did. "Well Mr. Cling, I would've thought you could swim faster than that," I teased, knowing he could've rolled me up and smoked me in the swimming department. He'd told me before that swimming was a big part of his training for crew. I guess they figured that if the boat ever capsized they could either swim to victory or safety, either way, it was win-win.

  "Cling, I'll race you," Briggs said from the shallow end, sitting on the steps, next to Char. "100 bucks says that I'll beat your ass."

  Leo lifted his body out of the pool and sat on the edge of the deep end. "I'll take that bet," he agreed smiling, shaking his head. "I know how hard you work for that money, Alexander; I'll be glad to take it…Oh right, you don't work."

  "Ya sound a little jealous. Tired of working so hard and not getting what ya what?" Briggs goaded.

  Jasper walked to the edge of the pool, and said, "Sorry Alexander, but my money's on Leo."

  "What's the bet?" Rick asked, as he, Jocelyn, my nieces, Carlee and Kara, and my nephews, Donovan and Darren, walked through the gate. What can I say? We're an alliteration-loving family.

  They looked like the Brady Bunch on crack in Hawaii. They had more swimming paraphernalia, towels, bags, and covered dishes than the whole Brady clan had brought with them on the cursed Hawaiian getaway. It was tragic what parenting could turn a couple into. I remembered when Rick and Jocelyn went backpacking in Europe with one bag each. Looking at them now, it looked as if their bags had spawned bags, and they were only here for an afternoon.

  Jasper laughed and said, "Briggs and Leo are going to see who can swim faster. It's quite the entertainment watching these two vie for Janelle's attention. It's like playground wars gone wild."

  "100 bucks is too steep for our blood. Girls are going to dance camp next month," Rick said, shaking his head, unloading all of the bags they'd brought with them.

  "Briggs, I'll put all 100 of my dollar bills on you," Char said, wrapping her arm around his shoulder. What. The. Fuck? Was she trying to get me to rip her mother-loving fucking head off? I glared at her, and she looked away, grinning. My best friend was treading on very thin ice, so thin that I could see her face clearly as she was drowning beneath it.

  Jasper organized the race, specifying the boundaries and expectations. People couldn't just have fun with Jasper around; everything had to be official and legit. Looking at him shirtless in his swim trunks, sunglasses, and tattoo, I realized how strange he looked to me. Whenever Jasper wasn't in a stiffly starched shirt and tie, I always thought he looked out of place, uncomfortable. He just wasn't a laid-back, carefree guy. My brother definitely needed to relax a little more. Bottom line: Jasper needed to throw back a few cold ones and get laid by some skanky, slutty girl who could make him forget his cuff links and Blackberry. Maybe he was starting to realize it too: hair products, unibrow removal, and a tattoo. Jasper Garrity was on the prowl.

  Briggs and Leo were in position, on either side of the diving board, ready for their cue to dive in. The rest of us were all facing them, standing by the steps in the shallow end. Then, Carlee, my four-year-old niece, who was sitting on the diving board between Leo and Briggs, said, "Hi Uncle Marcus."

  A hush blanketed us, causing Briggs and Leo to stand upright while each of us turned around slowly, coming face-to-face with Marcus, my soon-to-be ex-husband, and his cunt rock of a slut, Lauren.

  Jasper walked to meet them at the gate before they walked through. "What're you doing here?" he asked, before Marcus could come any closer.

  "I'm just here to talk to my wife, Jasper," Marc responded. Lauren huffed, crossing her arms over her enormous chest. Reduction, my ass.

  I walked over to the gate, just as Marcus opened it and walked in. Jasper let him enter, but didn't let him walk any further toward the pool.

  "Well…well…well…looks like my wife really is slumming," Marcus said, being the prick that he is. "Not only is she slumming...she's getting her kicks at the preschool," he said, laughing. I couldn't understand how he had the audacity to say such things to Leo and Briggs, when it was quite obvious that they could pulverize him in ten seconds flat. He was such a narcissistic son-of-a-cocksucker. "How're my sloppy seconds anyway, Alexander?"

  Within seconds, Leo and Briggs were on either side of us as Jasper began pushing Marcus back toward the gate. "Alright Marc, you're done here," Jasper said.

  "Why the fuck are you even here, you limp dick bastard?" Char screamed coming around to face him. "Can't you just leave her the fuck alone?"

  "I came here to make amends, but I wouldn't expect you…you little pyro…to know anything about redemption," he said.

  "Redemption? Give me a fucking break. I'll show you redemption…in Hell…you asshole," Char was on fire. It was bad when she got like this, because she often couldn't stop herself.

  "Char, hold up, hon," I said. "Marcus, just leave. We're having fun; the kids are here. Just stop," I said, feeling Leo's hand on my back as Briggs stepped forward, inching closer to Marcus.

  "Listen, I have an offer…an offer that I think you all would like to hear," he said. Looking around and eyeing each of us, he went on with his offer. "If you give me your half of the sale of our house, all of it, then I won't press charges on your little heathens for breaking and entering," he offered. I felt Leo's hand flinch on my back. Continuing, he said, "And I'll tell the news that this whole…whole…scandal was one big misunderstanding."

  Walking toward him, I said, "Let me get this straight, you want me to basically pay you...what...like 150 thousand dollars…to tell the truth?"

  "And to save your fuck buddies from jail time."

  "What proof do you have of their so-called 'breaking and entering,' Marcus?" Char asked.

  "My word," Marcus said. "And Lauren's."

  "Whoren's?" Char roared. "I don't want to hear that fucking slut's name."

  "Don't call me a whore…or a slut," Lauren whined. "Plus, Markie told me stories about you, Charlene."

  "I will cunt-punt you into the next time zone if you ever speak to me again," Char threatened. "Get back, and shut the fuck up, or I swear to God, I will lose my shit all over your ugly ass." Apparently, Char's newfound desire to stop swearing was not going so well in a stressful environment. I chuckled audibly at the thought, bringing all eyes back to me.

  "I'm not gonna do that," I said, shrugging him off. "You are not getting one more thing from me. If we have to go to court for the next decade, then so be it. I will hold litigation up for as long as necessary, but I'm not gonna cave and give you anything you want...ever…again," I said with certainty. I wasn't angry. I wasn't even feeling vindictive. I was just not going to stand for his bullshit and ultimatums any longer. "I'm sorry, but the Marcus Flowers show has finally ended," I added.

  "Jesus Christ Janelle, quit being so dramatic," he said. "You're being a bitch. What? Are you cotton-stuffing? Is that what's going on," he said, dropping his eyes below my waist.

  Char glanced at me, questioningly. Then said, "What the fuck does that even mean?"

  "Well dear," I said sarcastically. "You know how Marc just loves coining new phrases, well, he decided that 'on the rag' wasn't actually accurate since women don't wear pads anymore." Everyone looked at Marcus with contempt and disgust. "So, he thought a more appropriate term would be 'cotton-stuffing.' Isn't he just dreamy?" I said, rolling my eyes.

  "You're a sick bastard," Char said.

  "I think it's time for you to go now," Jasper said. "It's private property, and you are most-assuredly not welcome here."

  Just as Marcus was about to leave, Char piped in again, "Hey Janelle, you're not, are you?" she asked. When I looked at her bewildered without answering, she clarified, "Cotton stuffing?" My eyes widened; I f
elt my cheeks heat up.

  Everyone stopped and looked at her, wondering why on earth she'd bring that up. Continuing, she said, "Nah, you're too lady like to answer that." Char started looking around and walked over to Briggs, "Hey Briggs," she said, running her hands up and down his arms. I felt my stomach twinge watching her touch him. I also noticed that Lauren watched intently as Char's hands traveled the length of Briggs' arms. "You tell me. Is Nelle cotton-stuffing right now?" I rolled my eyes at her obvious attempt to get under Marcus' skin. Char was one devious, clever, and loyal fucking friend.

  Smiling and understanding, Briggs said, "No Ma'am, Janelle is definitely not cotton-stuffing."

  Grinning, Char nodded and walked over to Leo and began rubbing his back. Marcus eyed her angrily; Lauren almost unnoticeably licked her upper lip. "Leo, can you second that? Is Janelle cotton-stuffing?"

  "Oh Char, she is most certainly not…not even close," he said, glancing at me with a dimpled smirk and a wink. I laughed, because I hadn't been with Leo in over ten days, so he really wouldn't know. However, he did know his role in Char's game.

  "Well Marcus, it seems like it's only you…her husband…who doesn't know. So take your cunt rock whore and get the fuck out of here," she said, high-fiving Jocelyn who sat quietly by as this whole ordeal unraveled. Rick had taken the girls into the pool house to get their bathing suits on, while my nephews stayed back, near the picnic table.

  Marcus glared at me, then at Leo and Briggs, and walked out the gate. Lauren ran after him, only after glancing back at Leo and Briggs one more time.

  As he left, Char looked at me and said, "I don't know what pisses me off more." She marched over to the other cooler, grabbed five beers, and started handing the bottles out to everyone, shaking everyone from their incredulous, faraway stares. "That you married that son of a bitch or that he keeps coining the best terms that I can't use, because he came up with them."

  "You always did love the word, jitbag. Hell, I still call people 'jits;' I like it," I admitted. "Go ahead and use it."

  "But cotton-stuffing? It's so fucking perfect. But I can't start saying it, because he's such a rat bastard," she whined and chugged the rest of her beer.

  "Char, I think if you're looking for new vocabulary terms, you should look beyond Marcus Flowers," Jasper piped in, shaking his head. "I do agree with her though, Nelle. How in the Hell did you ever marry that douche?"

  "Lay off her guys. She's obviously starting to improve her standards," Jocelyn said, smiling. Briggs and Leo both dropped their heads shyly. Leave it to Joz to make them feel bashful with her coy, innocent-girl comments.

  The rest of the afternoon went swimmingly well (pun intended). Leo, my nieces, Kara and Carlee, and I played countless games of Marco Polo and "Jump if you love ____(fill in the blank)" game. Those girls could play that game for hours. Apparently, so could Leo. At one point, they were all lined up on the side of the pool, and Jocelyn sat up, put her book down, took off her sunglasses, and announced from her lounge chair, "Jump if you love Janelle." All three of them jumped in. Jocelyn smiled, nodded, and went right back to reading her book.

  Briggs spent the majority of the afternoon teaching Donovan and Darren all the ins and outs of football. My nephews were soccer players through and through, but they listened intently as Briggs taught them more than they ever wanted to know to know about football. Jasper and Rick listened to Briggs relay stories of famous athletes he was going to interview later in the fall.

  While we were cleaning up and bringing the dishes back into Jasper's house, Jasper and Jocelyn pounced.

  Almost simultaneously:

  "Oh My God, who are you gonna choose; they're both perfect," (from Jocelyn, obviously).

  "What're you going to do about your job and Marcus scheming to take all of your money?" (from Jasper).

  Laughing, holding up my hands, "Whoa guys, hold on." I walked over and hopped up on Jasper's counter, noticing his grimace and eye roll as I did so. "I don't know...and…," I paused for a few moments before saying, "that's my answer to all three questions." I looked at them, hoping for some words of wisdom. Neither of them spoke; they just glanced back and forth at each other. Still glancing between my older siblings, I said, "Alright, looks like we're good here, then." As I started to jump down, Jasper stopped me.

  Looking at me with seriousness and concern he said, "that's probably the smartest thing you've ever said." Joz and I just looked at him, wondering if he'd go on.

  When he didn't, Jocelyn said, "What the heck is that supposed to mean Jasper? What are you, freaking Yoda?" I laughed, loving whenever the three of us could just spend a few moments together without the outside world closing in on us.

  "God, you guys are so dense," he said with exasperation. "The man who has everything figured out is probably a fool. College examinations notwithstanding, it takes a very smart fella to say, 'I don't know the answer!"

  Nearly at the same time, Joz and I responded:

  "Fella?" (Joz)

  "Notwithstanding? What. The. Fuck?" (Obviously, me)

  "Oh for God's Sake," Jasper said, shaking his head at us. "Have either of you ever read a book that did NOT involve an alpha male or a tatted up rocker? Christ! I'd expect more from you at least, Janelle. Joz, you're off the hook. You got that whole bored-stay-at-home-horny-mom thing going on," he complained.

  "Oh…so…it's a quote from something. What?" I asked. I found myself rather well-read, but I didn't typically fill my literary voids with books that used words like "notwithstanding" and "fella." My pleasure readings used words like: muggle, safe word, imprint, tour bus, and even asshat. Fella? Notwithstanding? No thanks. I'd certainly find no sort of pleasure in those kinds of words.

  "Inherit the Wind?" he replied.

  Joz and I shrugged our shoulders.

  "It's a play...by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee. And before you even say it, not General Robert E. Lee...it's a different one," he said sarcastically.

  "Well, I, for one, have never heard of either Robert E. Lee…or even Jerome Lawrence or some dumb play," Jocelyn said. "Janelle?"

  "Nope," I confirmed.

  "It's an allegory…about the Scopes Monkey Trial and the McCarthy… oh fuck it… just… just… fuck," he said and stormed back outside.

  Jocelyn and I were still laughing when we walked outside, nearly straight into Char, carrying an armful of wet beach towels. Laughing, she said, "What's got Jasper's tightie-whities in a bunch?"

  "The usual. Our combined inanity," I said, putting my arm around Jocelyn as we both bowed to our coupled ignorance.

  "Damn, I wish I could've been there," Char whined.

  "Best part," Jocelyn said, "I read Inherit the Wind."

  "Shut up!" I exclaimed. "No way, did you really?"

  "Yeah, had to read it in college," she admitted smiling.

  "That's per-fucked," I said. "I love fucking with Jasper."

  "Per-fucked?" Char asked.

  "Abridged version of 'fucking perfect.' Duh," I replied. Marcus and Char weren't the only ones who could coin new words.

  "No," Char said, shaking her head. Joz was shaking her head too.

  "Yes! It's a great word," I countered. They continued to disagree. Apparently, they were the only ones who could coin new acceptable words. Bastards. I thought it was "per-fucked."

  Once the pool deck and yard were sufficiently cleaned to Jasper's OCD-induced standards, everyone started leaving. I was surprised that Briggs bailed out as soon as the work ended. I'd assumed that he'd try to prolong his stay, deterring me from being alone with Leo for a long period of time. I knew the clock was ticking on our "date," so I was hoping that there wouldn't be more fighting over who got to do what with whom.

  Briggs merely thanked Jasper, told my nephews to call him if they wanted to sit in on an Ohio State soccer practice, said goodbye to everyone, and kissed me innocently on the cheek before he left. Char sidled up next to me as I watched him leave and whispered, "If you'd get your head out of your ass,
then you wouldn't have to watch him walk away."

  Almost on cue, Jocelyn came up on the other side of me, and said, "Or you could turn around and just look at that." I turned just in time to see Leo with his arms stretched out on either side of him as my nieces did flips around his arms, as if his arms were monkey bars on a play set. Holy fuck. His arms were incredible: cut, ripped, and so strong. I'd never seen anyone use another human being as a jungle gym before. I'd certainly like to take a spin around those a few times.

  "Alright…I'll give it to you. That's fucking…I mean…really…really hot," Char said, correcting her use of vulgarity. Apparently, she was back to speaking without profanity. "Do you think he'd let me take a spin?" she asked, as she hip-bumped me and walked to get the rest of her stuff.

  Once everyone (finally) left, Leo and I sat on the diving board, facing each other, with our legs dangling on either side of the board. We talked about my family. He seemed really smitten with my nieces and nephews. Leo hadn't talked to Jasper much, most likely since Jasper and Briggs had so much to say to one another. But Jocelyn, she was as equally smitten with Leo as he was with her girls. Rick never said much to anyone. He just saw to it that Jocelyn stayed happy and not irritated. He was extremely good at it too. Jasper and I always raved about Rick's patience and ability to calm my sister in any situation. He was her perfect fit. The missing piece to her nearly-finished puzzle, like my mom said. Marcus was definitely not the perfect fit to my puzzle. Was Briggs? Leo?

  "Wanna play strip or dare?" Leo asked, breaking my puzzle-piece reverie.

  Readily agreeing to get naked with him, I questioned, "Sure. How do you play?"

  "Easiest game ever," Leo said, grinning, his dimples beckoning me. "You either strip, or I dare you to strip. It's a win-win game. No losers."